Monologue Jokes

Issues of Playboy and Penthouse will no longer be sold at military stores. As a result, all boners on military bases will be displayed at half-mast.
  • It was just announced that the world is running out of wine. Insiders say it’s so bad they may have to cancel the fourth hour of the “Today” show. 

  • Corey Harrison from “Pawn Stars” said he lost over 192 pounds last week. Unfortunately, since he’s no longer in his original form it means he’s way less valuable. 
  • Ratings for NBC’s “Meet the Press” have hit a 21-year low. Which may explain why the show’s name has now been changed to “For the Love of God, Meet the Press.” 

  • A cat expert says that we stress out cats by treating them like they’re dogs. Although, if you ask me, it sounds like they’re just being a bunch of pussies about it. 

  • According to a new report legal marijuana is the fastest growing industry in the United States. Which is truly remarkable, especially when you consider how fast people who smoke weed normally move. 

  • A new study claims that binge watching television is linked to depression. The study goes on to state that the only thing more depressing for binge watchers is when they read a study that says binge watching is linked to depression. 

  • 83% of Americas believe the country is on the wrong track. The other 17% want to know how in the hell the country ended up on a train. 

  • A group of scientists in Massachusetts claim they have replicated the effects of alzheimer’s disease in a petri-dish. Now if they can only remember where they put it... 

  • A 95-year-old woman retired from Target this week. Or as Target put it, she was “marked down” for clearance. 

  • New reports claim that Facebook data scientists can figure out who you’re sleeping with even if your relationship isn’t “Facebook official.” Even worse: There are Facebook data scientists? 

  • Twitter is easing rules that will now allow all users to send direct messages to one another, even if they don’t follow each other. “This is great news,” said the guy who highly recommends you click this link. 

  • There’s a new app that will now allow you to send money via email. The name of this new app is called: Your Parents. 

  • A woman at Starbucks dropped a purse with a loaded gun, causing a bullet to accidentally hit her friend. Although, to be fair, she did ask for a double shot.